titanking

randomized incentralizations

the light of your eyes, it stops my heart
makes me catch myself midstride and review
all things that make up the very essence of you
they make me want to never let us be apart
---

A weekend and a half... not quite, but it was decent. On Friday night Sara came down to visit and check out Redeemer. She's at Western now, and liking that pretty well. We went down to the Gown & Gavel, and then hung out at 302 and watched Life Is A House - good movie, I liked it. On Saturday a bunch of us played football out on the back field here, and most of us walked home pretty sore. I had a great little head-to-head collision with Chris deWinter which lead to a decent headache, but it went away a little ways into Dan & Nicole's stag and doe that night. It was a good time, except for me not being much at dancing, and there were a few stretches when that was what everyone was doing. I still had a good time though, and ran into a few old friends. Today I hung around the dorm for most of the day (super quiet, almost everyone was gone) and went to church at Living Waters Independent in Alberton. And then I hung out at 16 for a while and watched Excess Baggage with a few people. Now that I think of it, I really watched WAY too many movies this weekend. School has been pretty slow for me lately, there's not a whole lot to do homework-wise. Which also serves to infuriate the rest of the world at me when they're swamped with papers and labs and tests. But yeah. I went to this open mic at the G&G with Kev, Mira, Jay, and Rachel tonight, which was a great time, catching some tunes. Super atmosphere, not too huge, just right.

I think this is where I'm going to leave it tonight though. Here's a poetic I wrote a few years back... I just had the thought running through my head recently, and thought I'd dig it up. There's a few more of some of that kind of stuff up at my website - http://medes.tripod.com/titanking .

goodnight,

b

---
The Hopeless Romantic

He treads the uneven path
Ever unsure of where his emotions lie
Constantly shifting emotions
Midnight roving
Trying to find the one
Hoping to be right
And wishing he knew
How she felt
What she thought
Whether he’s a fool for thinking
She might be thinking, too.
Why the rules rule
And torture his heart
Making him live ever unsure
Until his one and only
Perfect and complete in his eyes
Finds him and ends his journey
Of emptiness
And begins his life of love.

Confront your innermost desires and dreams.

it's been a while

why must I feel this way... just make this go away... just one more peaceful day...

Split in Two

There's something about that thing that we call choice. It can be crystal clear, right in front of you, and yet so often it chooses to be uncertain, cloudy, and indeterminate. It's a constant source of frustration, so much so that some even joke around that it would be nice to have someone else make all their decisions. Yet choice is what seperates us from lesser beings; Choice is part of who we are as image-bearers of God. And yet it still drives me crazy times, the anxiety and frustration that are attached to it, the constant "what if's" and wondering what the world might be like if I did things differently, or broke the cycle and went against the norms that I've let creep into my life. Sometimes choice is so blurry that you're not sure which way is up and you're just spun around by thinking too much and you just wish that the whole situation would just go away. And then realization hits and you look back and it hits me- what are we without choice? Mere robots, with no will of our own to choose the right that we know or the wrong that oft seems so much more irresistable. The choices made in the past bring tears, smiles, pain, joy, regret...

And so I struggle on, in the day to day that I hold so dear and at the same time am driven mad by. Thank God that I know there is One that I can go to for guidance when getting lost in the whirlwind of my life makes me lose focus. It's not always easy to realize that the reigns are put to better use in his hand, especially in a world so obsessed with power.


b

Innocence & the Lack Thereof

As much as so many of the songs would like to convince us that we're all innocent and just victims of circumstance, the truth is otherwise. That's one thing that irks me about a lot of songs out lately, the whole presupposition that everyone's innocent and nothing is anyone's fault. We know otherwise, and it's that deep feeling of guilt that's inside of each one of us in regards to our own sins and shortcomings. We may not want to admit it, but we know when we're to be held at fault. Assuming otherwise, even superficially, is essentially blaming God for our problems. He wasn't the one who thought it would be a good idea to doubt and disbobey Him. And don't give me this line about the tree being put there to tempt man, it was put there to teach man obedience, something that he's been struggling with every day since.

that's my little rave for today. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it was something to say.


b

As Life Marches On

... the parade stops for none. The past 7 months at Redeemer have been great, eye opening, and a learning experience. I've made a lot of friends, found some things out about myself, and realized that sometimes I know myself a lot less then I thought I did in the past. One thing I never liked about endings is having to let go of times and people that are close to you. I try to keep in mind the saying that "If you love something enough to let it go, and it comes back, it's yours forever." I guess I'm holding out to some extent for that, but I don't know how sure I always am. Hope can inspire, hope can injure. I still hold my cards pretty close to my chest in a lot of regards, but I'm trying to open up a bit to the right people. I surprised myself last week when I had an open conversation in which I wasn't trying to hide anything. A friend of mine kind of figured that I really wanted to talk to them about it, and said that to me, so it was good and I really needed to get some things off my chest between me and them. I wish I'd brought up more, but all the things I want to say tend not to come to this mind until I'm alone later on.

And if you're not confused yet.... crazyness. I'm just in a rambling mood on this Sunday morning, but I needed to try and air some thoughts for myself and this seems to work somewhat.

b

thought invites application

Today I learned... that I really enjoy working at Witview. I guess I kind of miss it, and I'm looking forward to being able to work there this summer, in some ways. I'm really going to miss some things that I have now, but I don't know how much I can actually do about that, how much I want to do about that. I think it's going to be another summer of working myself like crazy trying to get things out of my system. Problem is, work just seems to make things that much clearer. Hugh told me that his cousins over at Oostview are most likely looking for help this summer to, so I'll probably be holding down 3 jobs this summer. I just really want to fit in a roadtrip out to Alberta too, that would be great. I'm not sure how it's going to get fit in for me yet, but I want it to happen.

b

a little dashboard confessional

"Hands Down"

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

Hard thoughts... caring enough about someone to want them to have something that will make them happy, even when it cuts you out of the picture. Still not sure what I'm saying.

birthday cards and pictures of the past

Memories are powerful things. The way we interpret them can be even more powerful at times. Sometimes enough to shake the foundations you think are so firmly in place, sometimes subtle enough to creep in and distort the way you think things went. It's incredible how many people think that they were wronged in so many (or all?) of the situations that they recall. I started thinking about the past today because of a card I got, and went off on a few tangents about things that have happened in my past. Caught myself laying blame once or twice, and it didn't take me long to realize that the source of the things that hurt me most generally starts with number one, right here. It's like the Chris Cummings song that says "No one hurts me more than me" when he's talking about getting burned three times by a girl.

Anyhow, about that card. My oma sent me a card for my birthday, kind of late considering my birthday was almost a month ago. But I was pretty happy about that, regardless, and looking forward to opening it and seeing what she had to write. The first thing I looked at when I did was the picture on the front of card, which was of some tulips in a vase. They reminded me of all the flowers in my grandparent's house. Next thing I looked for was whether there was any cash inside, but what I eventually got to inside made me feel less than happy about the fact that one of the first things I had done was look for money. My oma's always been pretty good with sending cards for birthdays and all that, something I've probably taken for granted too much sometimes. She's always been sick most of the time with something or other, it's just the way she is, but over this last year or so she's been getting worse. My mom has told me some pretty crazy stories about stuff that Oma's gone through before, like having had a miscarriage, and growing up during WWII with Nazi's living in their house in the Netherlands. I can't even fathom some of the things that she's probably been through, but so often I find it too easy to take it all for granted and not thinking about the incredible plethera of life experience that these people I call grandparents have gone through. I find it crazy enough when I hear about things now that my parents would never have admitted to me when I was younger that they'd done when they were younger. But back to the card. Oma's been having a bit of trouble with her memory lately and I guess what they say about older Dutch immigrants reverting back to their native tongue is true. She wrote on the entire one side of the card, which she's never done before for me, but it was so hard to read it all. Her handwriting isn't as clear as it used to be, and she was mixing dutch and english words, and it was a bit confusing to follow everything she was saying. That really hurt me to realize, because I've taken so much for granted that she's always been there to talk to, and I've never spent as much time talking to her as I wish now that I had in the past. I have this fear now of going to visit her one day and finding out that she doesn't even recognize me. I know that she still does now, and I don't want to take that for granted. When I was younger, I went once or twice with my family to visit my great-beppe, who lived in a retirement/nursing home. She didn't recognize us, I don't think she even recognized my dad. One time my parents went on their own I think and the people who worked there had had to tie her down to her chair because she had just gotten up and walked out of the place the week before. There's something about growing old and that fear of the unknown that affects a lot of people, I think. There's that comfort that God provides that He'll always take care of you, but that realization that sometimes people literally do have to put everything in their hands - you can lose control of your body, even your mind - that's something you just stop and think twice about.

Well, that's my speel for tonight. It's been on my mind all day and brought a tear to the corners of my eyes a time or two already. I need to visit my Oma sometime.


Soon.

I Keep It Under My Hat

I heard this great song by Tim McGraw a while ago, and it's kind of been going through my mind a bit lately.

"I Keep It Under My Hat"

It looks a little weathered, so it looks good on me
But since you've left I'm wearin' this old hat differently
Pain, wind, rain and sun, it keeps out all but one

So I keep the brim pulled down
Whenever those teardrops come around
So nobody else can see
Just what your memory does to me
I know I can't hide
But baby, I've still got my pride
When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat

Last night, I thought I'd go out
I don't know where my head was at
I had to turn around
Go back and get my hat
And I was glad I did
When I saw you with him

I kept the brim pulled down
Whenever those teardrops came around
So nobody else could see
Just what your memory does to me
I know I can't hide
But, baby, I've still got my pride
When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat

When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat