titanking

2005-01-16T19:15:00.000-05:00

This semester should be pretty interesting and fairly entertaining for those who enjoy watching me squirm (metaphorically, that is). For some reason now unknown to me, I chose to finish ALL of my core courses first, so now I'm facing a lot of third level courses all at once. This semester I should survive yet. I've got a first year environmental studies class, and a second year reformational theology class. The rest are classes towards my majors--one second year english class (the British Novel), and then two third year sociology classes (Social Theory and Sociological Research--makes you shudder, eh?). I don't know, it's going to be a lot of reading, but both of my sociology classes have fairly small populations, so I'm going to have to stay on top of things there for sure.

Anyways, there is life outside of class. Contrary to what the profs might want you to believe. I decided to kick around campus this weekend for once, and managed to get decently bored in the process. So many people were gone and not much was going on. I watched a LOAD of movies. I picked up one called Apt Pupil, and it was really interesting. This sixteen year-old highschool senior discovers a bona fide Nazi war criminal hiding in his neighbourhood. This guy was one of the head officers at a few of the major death camps during the second World War. Somehow this kid has balls enough to threaten the old guy enough to tell him all about the death camps. Eventually the tables turn and the kid gets himself into some trouble... and yeah. The movie's a great watch, give me a shout if you want to see it sometime.

Anyhow, have a good one, this has been my speel for tonight.

2004-12-31T16:31:00.000-05:00

My friend Josiah recently posted on the problem that he believes lies within Reformed congregations that are largely populated by people of Dutch origin. You can read this article here. This is my response to it.

I believe as well that there is a large problem in existence in many Reformed congregations concerning the effort that is put into evangelical endeavours. Maybe it is because we are too comfortable in our surroundings, and the close-knit community that has developed around us has become a security blanket of sorts. It is much easier for us to surround ourselves with people that have similar views and beliefs. When we are exposed to people that have slightly (or even radically) different views and beliefs than us, that security blanket is stripped away and we are forced to face these issues head on. Are we not called to do this though? To strive for unity within the Church? I know that this issue is something that I have struggled with through much of my life. I was raised in Christian schools, all the way through (elementary, secondary, and post-secondary). I was a part of the CRC church for the first 7 years of my life, and a part of the URC church since then. The reformed communities that I have been a part of are too content to focus on themselves, and often get far too caught up on infighting, and squabbles between denominations. Would it not be much more God-glorifying to look past our own irreconcilable differences and to reach out the untouched masses that are longing to be exposed to God's Truth? The Reformed Dutch tradition has been blessed with God's grace, but they are not the New Testament Israel--Christ has obtained salvation for people from all nations, and he commanded His followers to "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 28:19, NKJV). We would do well to remember that in every aspect of our lives, and not just expect others to take care of it.

2004-10-29T13:04:00.000-04:00

what you're doing now
is bringing me to craze
causing me to guess and rethink
every action, every look, every word
I can't even sweat it out
it just goes back to you

the biggest fear is being alone
but more than that I want you to smile
I'd give it all up for you
even though you're not sure it's worth it
but I know otherwise
and someday you might see
that your life is more than just okay

2004-09-15T22:04:00.000-04:00

So I was digging around through a box of old notes, poetics, and other various memorabilia, and came across this, among other things... thought I'd share it.

2004-08-08T14:29:00.000-04:00

Here's a few old ones...

agonization v. 2.0
it's the hour beyond
the next minute of our thought
the second we realize
how a feeling is subjective
to life
one can never know love
without letting it slip through their fingers
like sand of the sea
it's wasted, gone forever
time spent foolishly
it could have been right
but it was wrong
and now it's lost, never known
unable to come to it's full
never realized
waiting for that right moment
the one that must have gone by
a thousand times
but it wasn't quite perfect
the moment was ripe, ready for harvest
yet imperfection was found
and time waited till goodbye
those awful lingering unsaid words
filling the mind with agony
and that empty ocean breeze with cold
who ever knew a scene could break a heart?
some things soothe
and others ignite
bursts of pain - they burn for weeks
like an aching wound it never goes away
constantly reminding him of his waste
and how he never did right by her
now his unsurety is his downfall
and his naivety his torment
it all pokes and prods
a hundred years with one thought
one which never fades, never lessens, never dies
and leaves it's prey wanting more

held at fault for naught (desire of the best never had) -v. 2.0
time and time again he paid
for that beyond his control
he lost it all
and gained it back after the fact
but it was too late
for him to ever be right
his curse haunted day and night
till he became lost again
one hundred years of hell
seemed not long enough
but one burning thought filled his mind
the only memory of his torment
became the one thing he had betrayed
beyond grasp,
and within arms encircled
an empty whole inside
never filled
and the temptation given
seems to be that it can't get worse
but why does life seem to break it,
and never give back the chance?
it's all too easy
to need an end
and yet for reasons unknown now
one will never realize it.

2004-08-08T07:54:00.000-04:00

Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isoloated, so motivated
I am certain now that
[Chorus]

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]

So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away [4x]
[Chorus]

Slight hopeIt dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

2004-07-12T21:39:00.000-04:00

And so here I sit. Once again, a mind full of many things and nothing at all, seemingly all at once... oh where to begin, when naught is fully at hand.

Have you ever held the head of a newborn calf and helped it drink for the first time? Watched that calf tumble as it learns to walk, learns to stretch its limbs and realize their ability? It's something else; awe-inspiring. That's one of the things I love so much about living in the so-called "boonies" and working on a farm. The rush of the city is something I can really enjoy, but at times I just need to get away from it all, out to those open fields and something that seems so much simpler. Yes, farming has become a high-stress business more than it ever has been in the past, but the ability to kick back at the end of long day and enjoy a sunset over golden fields is more reward than I could ever ask for. Seeing the world from the loft of an old wooden barn makes life simpler, more comforting, contemplative. The stars are so big out there, the sky so large that it could just swallow you whole and consume your mind.

2004-07-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

Alright... not completely sure where to start, there are a few things running through my mind.

First off, kudos to Mr. Deboer for running for the CHP out in Wyoming, how'd he do Reubs? This discussison/debate seems to have perked some interest here, and rightly so considering how integral voting is to a society such as ours. One thing to remember about voting in a democracy is that it exists so that EVERYONE who wants to run can run (providing they get the base support of a certain amount of people in their riding), despite what people might think there chances will be. Political parties also put forth their plans for government based on what they claim to *believe*, which brings forth another important point. Religion and politics are connected to a great extent, whether we like it or not. Yes, this has been a bad thing in the past (i.e. the corruption that grew in the Roman Catholic church in the middle ages) but it has also had a few ups that don't often get pointed out in our history classes because secularist western society doesn't often like to talk about Christianity's positive historical landmarks. But anyways, I'm off on a tangent here. Religion in government... when you vote, one way to think about that action is that you're placing your vote towards a worldview that is presented by the party that you are voting for (I'm not sure how clear I made that, but hopefully you get my point). It was said before that there "can be" religious principles in government, but the truth is that there always are religious principles in government - the personal worldview that every person holds affects every action, every decision, everything they do.

Alright, so then when it comes to an opinion on the CHP, what should we think? It's true that they have almost no voice at all when compared to the masses in our government. And yet they keep fighting for what they believe in. And in their mandates I find a belief system and values that are strikingly similar to much of what I believe in. And it strikes me right now that the people that are willing to take the time to keep this party going deserve some respect for the effort they make, even in the face of such overwhelming odds. I know that I don't know as much about the Christian Heritage Party as I could, but I do know that they realize their chances at a majority government in present-day Canada aren't the greatest. Yet they continue on. That's because they're willing to put their money where their mouth is, their vote in the hands of their God. The future is uncertain, but as Christians we ought to realize that the life God calls us to will end much more brilliantly than the life that many parties are promising us *after we have elected them and given them the opportunity to fulfill ALL of their election promises.* So could it be such a bad thing to place your vote in something that mirrors your own beliefs, instead of on the horse out near the front of the crowd that looks best to you out of what's up there?

Don't kid yourself, I struggle with the decision of which party to vote for too. I was still thinking it through when I stopped stood at the poll booth, going through it all in my mind yet again. It's not an easy decision no matter which way you go, especially when considering that we are accountable before God for every action in this life. I don't want to say that stepping blindly towards whatever may bear the label "Christian" is the best plan; maybe some of the intelligence and effort seen by people in this very discussion could even be put to use in attempting to find a better way to get a Christian worldview and set of values into a position of any influence at all up on Parliament Hill. At this point, the CHP is one of the possibilities that might be able to bring reform to our nation.

2004-06-03T22:14:00.000-04:00

things that I like...

- deep discussions with people about things and issues that I understand and care about, especially when the conversation goes somewhere and doesn't just go in circles.
- just being around friends and hanging out.
- roadtrips.
- music; finding the right music for the mood that I'm in...
- living on my own, a.k.a. not in my parent's house.
- The Reason by Hoobastank
- going for coffee/whatever with a friend and spending countless hours just hanging out and talking about anything and everything and just enjoying each other's company.
- driving tractors and pickups
- girls that like/drive trucks
- carshopping
- holidays
- hanging out at the beach
- going to see the fireworks
- driving. especially driving my own car. and driving.
- friends that come to visit me when I have no vehicle to go and visit them.
- doing crazy things with your hair just because you can.
- playing guitars.
- my friends.
- campfires.
- the ocean
- traveling; seeing the world.
- singing.
- cowboy hats and ball caps
- Hess Village
- songs about what was and what could've been.
- cameras
- thinking about the countless hours spent wandering around a tiny kitchen, looking through a pretty-much-empty fridge and cupboards, debating whether we were actually hungry or not...
- coke & rye
- having a cigar out in the middle of some big 'ole quiet place with someone
- drinking straight from the bottle (J, that's such a good call...)
- being from the country, and being proud of it.
- working hard.
- late night rendezvous

and that's about all for right now... just some random stuff.

2004-05-28T18:37:00.000-04:00

Close your eyes....And go back.... Before the Internet or the MAC…Before semi automatics and crack…Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...Way back.......
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light,Green light.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until the street lights came on.
Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula Hoops.
Running through the sprinkler. Happy Meals.
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons. Fat Albert, Road Runner,
Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force
The kids from the show Saved By The Bell were your idols,
and all the girls were in love with Zack
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of Hazard.
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar.
Christmas morning..you were so happy and now your not that happy lil kid any more
Your first day of school.
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses.
Climbing trees.
Getting an Ice Cream off the Ice Cream Truck.
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.
Jumpin down the steps.
Being tired from playin'....
Your first crush......
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the class room.
Remember that? I'm not finished yet....
Kool-aid was the drink of summer.
Riding your friends on your handle bars.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Class Field Trips.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance and another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of em!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
There's nothing like the good old days!
They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate,
then share it with someone that missed out on them.
I want to go back to the time when............
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo",
mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was no big deal to finally be tall enough to ride,
the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare".
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!!!!!!!

2004-05-17T23:15:00.000-04:00

So one of my friends started blogging quite recently... you should check her stuff out:

Britt's Blog Site

2004-05-12T20:50:00.000-04:00

Bah! Wholesalers!

So much for quality control... we're putting a new freezer into my parent's butcher shop, and ran into a bit of a delay today. All of the 5 inch thick wall panels have a male coupler down the one side, and a female coupler down the other side. This works out excellently, until some moron in the factory puts the couplers on the door unit on the wrong side... That definitely set us back a few days. The guys installing it aren't too happy about it either, since they quoted us a price and have to stick to it. And all this means that I'll be lugging full trays out to that lousy little rental unit freezer outside that has no lights, not near enough room, and is a constant thorn in my side...

2004-05-09T14:47:00.000-04:00

up, down, spun around, left behind, and here's the word from me to you...

It's been a busy few weeks, just getting back into the every-working-day routine again, but I'm loving it. It's been a grand eight months, but I really needed some change and working long days seems to be helping out. Getting out on the fields is the greatest thing lately - Trudy thinks I must go crazy out there since the radio in the tractor broke, but it's really not that bad or anything, it actually gives me a lot of time to just think and rethink and all that.

This past Thursday night I went to Toronto with my parents and my sister Leah. When mom, Leah, and I went to Korea two years ago, there were a few people that came along with our big group of adoptees and families to make a documentary. They finally finished it up this year and were premiering a showing of it at a downtown theatre, so thats what we went to go see. It's one in a series of three hour long documentaries that make up a series entitled "Original Kin". It's about some things that can happen when adoptees search for and find their biological parents. We watched the first two in the series, which were really well done. This whole topic hits pretty close to home for my family too, since three of my four siblings are adopted and have to deal with thoughts similar to these as well. And seeing the rough times that some adoptees have gone through makes me really glad that my parents are as apt at parenting as they are. Some might think that there's a huge difference felt between adopted and biological children within a family, but the truth is for us is that there's never really been any difference there for any of us, we've always just grown up as a family and it was never doubted or questioned extensively.

So if you're interested in seeing any of those documenatries, they're being shown on CBC Newsworld this week - part one "Annie Ong: Lost and Found" is on Sunday May 9th @ 10pm, part two "Broken Roots" (my face actually made its way into this one in a few places) is on Monday May 10th at the same time, and part three "Relativity" is on Tuesday May 11th at 10pm as well.

This weekend I went out to the annual Wyoming URC young people's conference, and had a really great time. Rev. Vogel from Living Waters Independant Reformed Church in Alberton was the speaker for the weekend, and he did a really impressive job. I've been going to his church most of the time throughout the schoolyear, so I've had a good chance to listen to him a lot. Friday night I slept over at Pastoor's, and had a good chance to catch up with them after not having come to visit since about Christmas or so. Steve's nephew Alexander is growing up so much already! It's crazy how fast time flies. Saturday was a blast, after having a really good discussion group we played some euchre at the church and then went out and WHOOPED that car rally, taking first place. Hit up Montana's for dinner with some cool people and then went bowling for a while and played some pool.... (I miss that).

That's the word for now though, I'm out for now, so have a great one and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

b

2004-04-20T21:15:00.000-04:00

Battling Discontent

Have you ever had that feeling like you just need some change? Something big, not just the regular same old, same old? I'm there now. Not sure what exactly, but the whole idea of hitting the road and doing some traveling on my own is really appealing. I'd almost say it's a discontent with where I'm at now, but I'm not even sure how accurate that is. The last eight months at Redeemer have been incredible, and I've made some great friends. Not to say that there hasn't been downsides, like loosing touch with so many close friends from Prov, but that was bound to happen to some extent no matter what I did. I think getting a new job and a new place might've been a better idea for this upcoming summer, but the flexibility working at Witview and dad's shop were kind of convenient. I still have to get my car back on the road - it's been parked since October, and I think that I need to replace the brakes. I also have to get an oil job for it and a safety, not to mention insurance, before I can take it on the road again. Money, money, and more money. It's probably going to be upwards of $200 a month on insurance, plus fuel. At least it'll be cheaper than filling up the truck or van all summerlong.

On to people. I'm one of those people that spends a lot of time trying to figure out where other people are at, and not being really sure where I stand. Double-guessing myself, or something to that extent. I guess there could be a million different names for it, it just happens when people think too much, or something. But that's just me and my overthinking and rethinking. Maybe it's the country music that brings it on - I've really started listening to a good bit of that again.

Reasoning. It'll be the death of some.

b

2004-04-20T19:02:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I'm stealing the Friday Five from Jay and doing it on a Tuesday... probably breaking a few rules, but I'm procrastinating and need something to do.

1. What was the last song you heard?
"Holdin' On To You" by Brad Praisley. This country music mood, I tell ya...

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
Life As A House, and... I think it was The Score.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Gasoline, and a Blue and some nachos at Jack Astor's.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
This past weekend it was dig the old freezer floor out, drive back to Redeemer, and go out to Jack Astor's with some friends. This coming weekend it's working at de Wit's, finishing unpacking, and some serious email writing to catch up with people.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Nan, Laura Jane, Jenny, Jenn, and Gerda.

2004-04-20T18:56:00.000-04:00

2004-04-12T00:54:00.000-04:00

I watched this movie called Life As A House which was a really interesting one to watch. There was a song that I really liked, it's by a band called Guster. Here's the lyrics:

"Rainy Day"

I will dig a hole
Save my pennies for a rainy day
I will dig a hole
Savin pennies for a rainy day
I'm not scared
I will build a wall
Sensing trouble from a mile away
I will build a wall
Saw it comin from a mile away
I'm not scared
I'm not scared
Try wearin your insides out
I don't even try, I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
I will just play dumb
I won't hear a single word that's said
I will bite my tongue
Never sing another song again
I'm not scared
I'm not scared
Try wearing my insides out
I don't even try, I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try
Now they want to take my chances
I don't even try
Clouds are comin
Air get's heavy
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Sun starts sinking
Can't see my shadow
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Holes uncovered
Walls will crumble
All spells trouble on a rainy day

2004-04-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

bottles on the wall

Sometimes I frustrate myself, and then there's the days I feel like a bumbling idiot. I really do. Trying to mix vague and crystal-clear doesn't work, no matter how hard you might try. I want the best in the world for friends, but seem to let my own selfish desires get in the way of that, and am too inclined often to feel sorry only for myself, when I really know that I do it to myself and want my friends to have the best for themselves, even if that which is best for them is not best for me. It just brings on that feeling of want to start running and never stop, keep going to that big open place in my mind where you can let it all out and try to figure it all out and where you're going from there. Frustration. I know I'm awful for bottling so much of this up, but it's just the way I am and have been for so much. I've let some out from time to time, not as much as I should have most likely, and yet, despite the relief it does bring in some ways, I just can't seem to figure out that balance of level-headedness that I need. It's almost like some people crave the hard road and don't even realize it the whole time. I'm just ranting and venting here, I need to go somewhere and think things through a bit more and try to come to some sort of conclusion. Not an end, an idea.

b

2004-03-29T18:09:00.000-05:00

randomized incentralizations

the light of your eyes, it stops my heart
makes me catch myself midstride and review
all things that make up the very essence of you
they make me want to never let us be apart
---

A weekend and a half... not quite, but it was decent. On Friday night Sara came down to visit and check out Redeemer. She's at Western now, and liking that pretty well. We went down to the Gown & Gavel, and then hung out at 302 and watched Life Is A House - good movie, I liked it. On Saturday a bunch of us played football out on the back field here, and most of us walked home pretty sore. I had a great little head-to-head collision with Chris deWinter which lead to a decent headache, but it went away a little ways into Dan & Nicole's stag and doe that night. It was a good time, except for me not being much at dancing, and there were a few stretches when that was what everyone was doing. I still had a good time though, and ran into a few old friends. Today I hung around the dorm for most of the day (super quiet, almost everyone was gone) and went to church at Living Waters Independent in Alberton. And then I hung out at 16 for a while and watched Excess Baggage with a few people. Now that I think of it, I really watched WAY too many movies this weekend. School has been pretty slow for me lately, there's not a whole lot to do homework-wise. Which also serves to infuriate the rest of the world at me when they're swamped with papers and labs and tests. But yeah. I went to this open mic at the G&G with Kev, Mira, Jay, and Rachel tonight, which was a great time, catching some tunes. Super atmosphere, not too huge, just right.

I think this is where I'm going to leave it tonight though. Here's a poetic I wrote a few years back... I just had the thought running through my head recently, and thought I'd dig it up. There's a few more of some of that kind of stuff up at my website - http://medes.tripod.com/titanking .

goodnight,

b

---
The Hopeless Romantic

He treads the uneven path
Ever unsure of where his emotions lie
Constantly shifting emotions
Midnight roving
Trying to find the one
Hoping to be right
And wishing he knew
How she felt
What she thought
Whether he’s a fool for thinking
She might be thinking, too.
Why the rules rule
And torture his heart
Making him live ever unsure
Until his one and only
Perfect and complete in his eyes
Finds him and ends his journey
Of emptiness
And begins his life of love.

Confront your innermost desires and dreams.

2004-03-27T18:08:00.000-05:00

it's been a while

why must I feel this way... just make this go away... just one more peaceful day...

2004-03-23T18:06:00.000-05:00

Split in Two

There's something about that thing that we call choice. It can be crystal clear, right in front of you, and yet so often it chooses to be uncertain, cloudy, and indeterminate. It's a constant source of frustration, so much so that some even joke around that it would be nice to have someone else make all their decisions. Yet choice is what seperates us from lesser beings; Choice is part of who we are as image-bearers of God. And yet it still drives me crazy times, the anxiety and frustration that are attached to it, the constant "what if's" and wondering what the world might be like if I did things differently, or broke the cycle and went against the norms that I've let creep into my life. Sometimes choice is so blurry that you're not sure which way is up and you're just spun around by thinking too much and you just wish that the whole situation would just go away. And then realization hits and you look back and it hits me- what are we without choice? Mere robots, with no will of our own to choose the right that we know or the wrong that oft seems so much more irresistable. The choices made in the past bring tears, smiles, pain, joy, regret...

And so I struggle on, in the day to day that I hold so dear and at the same time am driven mad by. Thank God that I know there is One that I can go to for guidance when getting lost in the whirlwind of my life makes me lose focus. It's not always easy to realize that the reigns are put to better use in his hand, especially in a world so obsessed with power.

b

2004-03-22T18:05:00.000-05:00

Innocence & the Lack Thereof

As much as so many of the songs would like to convince us that we're all innocent and just victims of circumstance, the truth is otherwise. That's one thing that irks me about a lot of songs out lately, the whole presupposition that everyone's innocent and nothing is anyone's fault. We know otherwise, and it's that deep feeling of guilt that's inside of each one of us in regards to our own sins and shortcomings. We may not want to admit it, but we know when we're to be held at fault. Assuming otherwise, even superficially, is essentially blaming God for our problems. He wasn't the one who thought it would be a good idea to doubt and disbobey Him. And don't give me this line about the tree being put there to tempt man, it was put there to teach man obedience, something that he's been struggling with every day since.

that's my little rave for today. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it was something to say.

b

2004-03-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

As Life Marches On

... the parade stops for none. The past 7 months at Redeemer have been great, eye opening, and a learning experience. I've made a lot of friends, found some things out about myself, and realized that sometimes I know myself a lot less then I thought I did in the past. One thing I never liked about endings is having to let go of times and people that are close to you. I try to keep in mind the saying that "If you love something enough to let it go, and it comes back, it's yours forever." I guess I'm holding out to some extent for that, but I don't know how sure I always am. Hope can inspire, hope can injure. I still hold my cards pretty close to my chest in a lot of regards, but I'm trying to open up a bit to the right people. I surprised myself last week when I had an open conversation in which I wasn't trying to hide anything. A friend of mine kind of figured that I really wanted to talk to them about it, and said that to me, so it was good and I really needed to get some things off my chest between me and them. I wish I'd brought up more, but all the things I want to say tend not to come to this mind until I'm alone later on.

And if you're not confused yet.... crazyness. I'm just in a rambling mood on this Sunday morning, but I needed to try and air some thoughts for myself and this seems to work somewhat.

b

2004-03-20T18:01:00.000-05:00

thought invites application

Today I learned... that I really enjoy working at Witview. I guess I kind of miss it, and I'm looking forward to being able to work there this summer, in some ways. I'm really going to miss some things that I have now, but I don't know how much I can actually do about that, how much I want to do about that. I think it's going to be another summer of working myself like crazy trying to get things out of my system. Problem is, work just seems to make things that much clearer. Hugh told me that his cousins over at Oostview are most likely looking for help this summer to, so I'll probably be holding down 3 jobs this summer. I just really want to fit in a roadtrip out to Alberta too, that would be great. I'm not sure how it's going to get fit in for me yet, but I want it to happen.

b

2004-03-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

a little dashboard confessional

"Hands Down"

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

2004-03-15T17:59:00.000-05:00

Hard thoughts... caring enough about someone to want them to have something that will make them happy, even when it cuts you out of the picture. Still not sure what I'm saying.

2004-03-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

birthday cards and pictures of the past

Memories are powerful things. The way we interpret them can be even more powerful at times. Sometimes enough to shake the foundations you think are so firmly in place, sometimes subtle enough to creep in and distort the way you think things went. It's incredible how many people think that they were wronged in so many (or all?) of the situations that they recall. I started thinking about the past today because of a card I got, and went off on a few tangents about things that have happened in my past. Caught myself laying blame once or twice, and it didn't take me long to realize that the source of the things that hurt me most generally starts with number one, right here. It's like the Chris Cummings song that says "No one hurts me more than me" when he's talking about getting burned three times by a girl.

Anyhow, about that card. My oma sent me a card for my birthday, kind of late considering my birthday was almost a month ago. But I was pretty happy about that, regardless, and looking forward to opening it and seeing what she had to write. The first thing I looked at when I did was the picture on the front of card, which was of some tulips in a vase. They reminded me of all the flowers in my grandparent's house. Next thing I looked for was whether there was any cash inside, but what I eventually got to inside made me feel less than happy about the fact that one of the first things I had done was look for money. My oma's always been pretty good with sending cards for birthdays and all that, something I've probably taken for granted too much sometimes. She's always been sick most of the time with something or other, it's just the way she is, but over this last year or so she's been getting worse. My mom has told me some pretty crazy stories about stuff that Oma's gone through before, like having had a miscarriage, and growing up during WWII with Nazi's living in their house in the Netherlands. I can't even fathom some of the things that she's probably been through, but so often I find it too easy to take it all for granted and not thinking about the incredible plethera of life experience that these people I call grandparents have gone through. I find it crazy enough when I hear about things now that my parents would never have admitted to me when I was younger that they'd done when they were younger. But back to the card. Oma's been having a bit of trouble with her memory lately and I guess what they say about older Dutch immigrants reverting back to their native tongue is true. She wrote on the entire one side of the card, which she's never done before for me, but it was so hard to read it all. Her handwriting isn't as clear as it used to be, and she was mixing dutch and english words, and it was a bit confusing to follow everything she was saying. That really hurt me to realize, because I've taken so much for granted that she's always been there to talk to, and I've never spent as much time talking to her as I wish now that I had in the past. I have this fear now of going to visit her one day and finding out that she doesn't even recognize me. I know that she still does now, and I don't want to take that for granted. When I was younger, I went once or twice with my family to visit my great-beppe, who lived in a retirement/nursing home. She didn't recognize us, I don't think she even recognized my dad. One time my parents went on their own I think and the people who worked there had had to tie her down to her chair because she had just gotten up and walked out of the place the week before. There's something about growing old and that fear of the unknown that affects a lot of people, I think. There's that comfort that God provides that He'll always take care of you, but that realization that sometimes people literally do have to put everything in their hands - you can lose control of your body, even your mind - that's something you just stop and think twice about.

Well, that's my speel for tonight. It's been on my mind all day and brought a tear to the corners of my eyes a time or two already. I need to visit my Oma sometime.

Soon.

2004-03-06T18:07:00.000-05:00

I Keep It Under My Hat

I heard this great song by Tim McGraw a while ago, and it's kind of been going through my mind a bit lately.

"I Keep It Under My Hat"

It looks a little weathered, so it looks good on me
But since you've left I'm wearin' this old hat differently
Pain, wind, rain and sun, it keeps out all but one

So I keep the brim pulled down
Whenever those teardrops come around
So nobody else can see
Just what your memory does to me
I know I can't hide
But baby, I've still got my pride
When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat

Last night, I thought I'd go out
I don't know where my head was at
I had to turn around
Go back and get my hat
And I was glad I did
When I saw you with him

I kept the brim pulled down
Whenever those teardrops came around
So nobody else could see
Just what your memory does to me
I know I can't hide
But, baby, I've still got my pride
When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat

When your memory comes back
I keep it under my hat

2003-12-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

things are shaking in oxford county... or not

And wow, it's been a while. I finished up my first semester of university this past Tuesday morning when I walked out of the last exam I had to write, Art 103. I also took History 104, English 103, Geography 121, and Sociology 121 this past semester. Now I'm spending two and a half weeks at home, working like crazy. It's been alright though, aside from realizing that I'm a bit out of shape and feel it after a day of running around on my feet. I came home Wednesday afternoon and worked the rest of that day for my dad at the shop, and then spent Thursday and Friday working at Witview, just doing end of the season kind of stuff, so that now Hugh doesn't have anything significant to do until spring except to keep slugging away at cutting wood. Apparently he was glad to have me home, and I guess Dad was too, but then again, Mom's been telling me that he's been missing me all semester. They still aren't so sure how to take the fact that I really enjoy living on my own and don't come home every weekend like Matt and Brad do. Ah well.

I think I'm going to head, though. Have a goodnight, all.

b

2003-08-10T17:54:00.000-04:00

Anywhere

This song was recommended to me by Andie... I'm really liking it. It's by Evanescence.

"Anywhere"

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

[CHORUS:]
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

[Chorus]

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

[Chorus]

2003-08-09T17:53:00.000-04:00

23 Days

23 days until I move out of the house I've lived in for the past 14 years, and into dorm 3 at Redeemer University. I've slowly been getting things together, at least the things that I'm going to take at first. I'm going to a lot of things at home at first, and then take what I want when I get a chance. I'm planning on taking my computer and possibly my stereo to start. And then a bunch of my clothes, towels, sheets, etc. in that department. I want to take a few books, but I'll probably leave the majority of them at home until I figure out how much room I have. I plan on taking all my photo albums (relax, there's only like 3 or so. I think I'm going to take all my cd's and cassettes, just because I plan on listening to a LOT of music between now and next May. Hmmm... I need to take some less-than-new clothes for orientation and the F.R.O.G. olympics... still looking forward to finding out all about what's going to be going on for those.

Last weekend Hugh took off from Friday afternoon to Monday night to go camping with his sisters and brother and their families up at Bon Echo Provinicial Park. It turned out to be quite busy for me, what with being asked to work for a large portion of Saturday in my parent's shop, and then going to Aylmer in between chores on Sunday. Not to mention going to Port Dover on Monday in between chores for the Balmoral conference. And of course, a heifer had to have a dead bull calf, just to keep things interesting on Sunday night... almost Monday morning.

I set up my first debit card account this week, and finally, as of this morning, was able to get it to work properly. Now I just have to get used to the feeling of instant monetary exchange, and remember that I still have to pay for it... don't think I'll have too much of a problem. Sure is a lot nicer than holding on to cash though.

It's a Saturday night and I think that rollerblading would have been a good option, but there's not a whole ton of people around to go. I was talking to Mary Beth last night, and we both thought it would be a great event to set for every Saturday night. I could really get used to doing that, especially since I'll have pretty much every weekend free once I'm at Redeemer.

Have you ever seen a friend making decisions you don't necessarily agree with, and wished that you could change that part of them, only to realize that if you got that wish, your friends might cease being exactly who they are? Just a bit of a complicated dilemna I've thought of. It's just that sometimes I hate to see people stumble and fall when they could've avoided something, only you can't walk for them through this life. And you don't want to be the nit-picker of any group - watching that line can be difficult. You can't just let a person slide, but you can't dictate life to them step-by-step either.

Just some thoughts.

Brent

2003-08-02T17:53:00.000-04:00

hey kids

Wow has it ever been a crazy weekend... Hugh took off up north to go camping with his brother and sisters and their significant others, so everything got left to me till Tuesday. I was hoping to go out to Wyoming this aft to hang out with the Woodstock and Wellandport young peoples, but I got racked into working for my parents at the shop because they're so busy there. At least I'm headed to Aylmer for part of the day tomorrow, in hopes of finally checking out Beth's pictures from the Vermont trip. Man, do I ever need to get a camera again - don't ever expect yours to make it through an entire trip to Korea unless it's either really strong or you're really careful with it. Unfortunately, I lost out on both of those counts. And then Monday I'm hoping to head out to Ben Bruining's place for the annual Civic Holiday conference that Balmoral puts on. Glad to hear that the Wyoming Boyz *hey guys, keep up the great work* are headed that way, that should keep things happening down in the Port Dover district. I could use some great beach volleyball too, I haven't played any vball at all since...... MJ's party a few weeks ago. Summer flies by too fast.

As for me, I'm out to grab a bite and then head back to work. Adios amigos.

Brent

2003-07-30T17:52:00.000-04:00

My Summer Has Wings

That it does... I can't believe it almost August already. The Balmoral Civic Holiday conference is this coming Monday, and in another few short weeks it'll be time for that occassion of a week of freedom from the oppressions of work, also known as Camp Tamarak. I'm looking forward to my third time round there, and it should be great. I know more people going there than ever this year, and I hear the speakers are great. I want to get up early every morning this year to go for the early swim, but I have a feeling those ambitions might be compromised by the comfort of my extra-long super-warm sleeping bag.

I received a letter from my future Resident Advisor at Redeemer, who is Dylon Nofziger. I've met him once before, when I was staying overnight at dorm 12 for En Route last November. I'll be living in dorm 3 this coming year, and I'm told Darren Sinke and Nathaniel Vandendool are also supposed to be in my dorm. I'm still wondering about who I'll wind up with as a roommate - hope its someone that I can get along really well with.

At Witview we started into the wheat field today, but it was a bit green underneath towards the middle, so the combine had to stop about a third of the way in. We still managed to get 3 gravity wagons down to the elevators, but they were only at 2nd grade level.

Still can't get over the fact that Laura is going to Ireland for an entire YEAR! I'm still crazyjealous, but glad for her. Ireland is definitely somewhere that I want to visit at some point in my life.

That's my speel for the night, I'm out for now -

Brent

2003-07-11T17:51:00.000-04:00

weekend again

It seems like a long time ago since I got back from Vermont (this past monday), but I guess the weekend's just coming up now. Supposed to see my class again and go blading through springbank park..... we'll see how that goes.

out.

b

2003-07-10T17:50:00.000-04:00

sometimes

sometimes I just want to scream at myself.......

2003-06-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

It's Been Too Long

It most definitely has. I finished up my highschool career unofficially last Friday, after doing a miserable job on my Advanced Functions and Introductory Calculus exam. I was glad to get out of there at that point, and on my way to Sarnia for a class party. Ken and I both drove, so Jeff went with Ken, and Nick went with me, and Nathan went home because he had to "clean Covenant" or something like that. After some crazy antics on the 402 on the way to Wyoming (and I concur here with Dax - I really don't like the 402. The 401 is alright, but I really don't like the 402) we decided to stop in at my grandparents and say hi, since we were about a half-hour early for the party. They were delighted to see us, and spent the next 40 minutes trying to figure out all the relatives of Jeff and Ken that they knew. We then preceded to head over to Noorloos' place, where Kathleen informed us that we were "late." Oh well, can't please everyone, and they weren't really doing anything except eating anyways. After that, we headed to Canatera park in Sarnia for a walk and some sitting by the water and skipping rocks. Our class seems to do that a lot. Later we decided to head to the Lambton mall - but oh wait! I forgot all about the puddle hopping at the park - heh heh. That guy in the Acura would've agreed with the girls that we're on something. Anyhow, on the way to the mall, my *sports car* as some nameless individual in my class chose to call it, was rear ended by a driver not paying enough attention, which eventually resulted in a bit of work on the bumper the following monday. Topaz. It survived, and still runs great, so we're good there. We headed to Kelsey's for dinner, and I had....... let's see... I don't even remember. Bowling afterwards was crazy - Jenn Werks beat us all, using a granny bowl EVERY TIME! Think I'm getting too far out of it.

This past Thursday night was my graduation. I've never seen Woodstock URC that packed before, but it looked good that way. I felt thoroughly ridiculous with the grad hat and gown - the lousy zipper on the front split on me half way through the ceremony. The speech from Mr. Jeremy Veldman was excellent though, and Sarah's valedictory address was definitely good, too. Shaking hands was kind of interesting, as it usually can be, since you don't have enough time to talk to the people you want to, and too much time to stand in front of the people you don't know at all who are waiting for the line to move. It was all fun though, and my whole class plus a few extras came down to my place afterwards and we hung out and had a campfire and talked for a while. By the time the girls left to go to Jenn's, the guys that stayed at my place felt about the same as I did - ready to hit the sack. I know I slept pretty sound that night.

This weekend is going slow... I'm off work till Monday, and I'm not doing anything tonight, but tomorrow is supposed to be the YPs kick off at Sanders, so I think I'll be going there. Katie seems pretty enthousiastic about being the new Activities Coordinator, and I hope it goes well for her. I was ready to be off the board and out of that position after two years on it - the first year was pretty good, but this past year it hasn't really been my forte. Lack of time, lack of enthousiasm... a few other contributing factors, but it's good to see that someone else is enjoying doing it.

I'm out for now though, might have to jet to Ingersoll tonight yet, so I'm going to get going. lates.

brent

2003-06-02T17:48:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine brought this song to mind the other day... still on my list of faves...

Right Here Waiting
written by Richard Marx

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

2003-05-22T17:46:00.000-04:00

school etc.

The joyous day of grad is soon arriving... only 28 more days, and only like 13 more days of school - It's going to be great. This summer is looking awesome. I need to figure out where everyone's going next year, and get some phone numbers and addresses... Right now the freshman Redeemer crowd from PRC is looking to be ELIZAbeth, Kathleen, Loreen, John W, and myself. Jeff got into Western the other day, so him and Jess will be going there, and Sean's going to finally go there (guess he decided another year of slugging bricks wasn't in the cards for him). James is back at Niagra again I think. Nathan is still waiting on Western, but he's not sure. Nick got into Ottawa, but he's not definite about going yet, although I'm sure he'd love living way out there with his sis' Kate. I think Jenn is headed to Lambton College or something..? and Lyds is off for another year of highschool, and then after a law degree or something like that. Lynze is headed to Ridgetown I thinks to pursue a career as a vet-tech, and to save all the little animals of the world from becoming chinese stir-fry and roadkill. Ken is working and NOT GOING TO SCHOOL EVER AGAIN! Congrats, buddy. Greta's looking for a job right now, sending out resumes galore, so I wish her the best and hope she finds a sweet job that she'll love - interior design or something like that I think it was at one point? Crazy how everyone's heading in different directions... workin on a final copy of a grad mix, so if you know some great tunes I might be missing that I need to have, give me a shout, drop me a line, getaholda me and let me know!

Brent

PS -> I forgot Laura! She's leaving August 25th for Ireland! How sweet a trip would that be???!!!

PSS - > and marlz! man i'm getting bad with the memory now. m is headed to guelph. or was it laurier?? shoot, i am getting bad here. i told her to go to laurier cuz it's a great school to go to, but colleen already razzed me out for not going to guelph, so yeah, i'm admitting that's a good school to. just don't get caught tossing watermelons, cabinets, and shopping carts off the 10th floor balconies. MARK!.

2003-05-21T17:45:00.000-04:00

MacGregor Point

Senior Camping Trip
Last Wednesday, late in the afternoon, my grade twelve class left for our senior retreat. We went up to MacGregor Point till Wednesday night and had an amazing time. The guys in our class went for showers every night at like 1 or 2 am, and since we had the entire campground pretty much to ourselves, a lot of yelling and running around went on, especially considering it was a half hour walk one way to the showers. The rest of the trip we went on a lot of great hikes to the lake, played some great football, ultimate frisbee, and various other games on the beach. We went to Sauble Beach on Thursday night and Friday night to play soccer... Nick, Ken, Lydia, Beth, and myself were brave enough to go swimming at Sauble for about half an hour, but decided it was too cold after that, especially considering the black and blue of ken's hands from the cold. Friday night at the beach was great though: there were a ton of people out cruising because of the long weekend. We saw this one Civic get pulled over, and I pushed this one Mustang out of the sand when he got buried doing a brake torque (stupid move in wet sand, buddy). We went to a bunch of waterfalls too, and had a blast hiking around them and seeing how close we could get to the base.. there's going to be some great pics sometime from that, when Jeff burns them to cd and passes it around. And manalive, you should've seen the crazy times in the VanMepp's van.... haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 'twas definitely a great trip.
I'm out for now, ttyl,

Brent

2003-05-12T17:43:00.000-04:00

the juliana theory

I was in a mood tonight... one of those ones when listening to the Juliana Theory sounds like a good thing to do. Happy reading...

AUGUST IN BETHANY
by brett detar
with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 friday evening everything comes tumbling down i choke back each tear that bleeds i'd rather rest forever in your arms i'd rather stay here than go but i know that i should leave as i sit here helpless don't go you said you wouldn't you said you couldn't i think of our time together is it fading am i dreaming everything you said lives on i cherish our memories i want to kiss your tears away tonight it's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave don't go your eyes see through my soul don't go you say as i walk out the door.

SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT HERE
by brett detar, joshua kosker, and chad alan
Something isn't right here. You've gone and left me on the ground. Something isn't right in this world called confusion. You gave it all away before you could lose it. Something isn't right here on the ground. You never said goodbye. You died. You chose to carry on a lie. Something isn't right here. You've gone and left me on the ground.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE
by brett detar and Chad Alan
baby, you say, "this is your life, well where is mine?" how you gonna get there going nowhere? burn yourself out. die too soon. you see the world is only temporary. everybody's scared that they'll be no one too. how you gonna hold out when you sold out? life's a riddle. here's a clue. You see, a moment's only temporary. let too many go, and you will be history too. "why?" you ask me. "Why?" i'll tell you. "Why?" i will tell you. You gave up baby.

2003-05-11T17:41:00.000-04:00

It's Mother's Day

Theme From Cola
There's a song of that name by the band Moist... the lyrics started me thinking about the way our culture has degraded. They're something like this:

ours is the legacy of waste
waste all the things we turned to dust
simple if we would like to find
punished by words im taken
finally pressed youd like to know
known for the trip unfolding
pleasantries building as we go
timid the way ill take it
now memory is over memories over
are you still remembering
never meant to go there
are you still remembered
all through the dress i lie awake
tearful as ive been binding
only in your mind to make
helpful or not i take it
now memory is over memories over
are you still remembering
never meant to go there
are you still remembered

The thoughts might jump a bit, but one thing I do get out of it is how fast we fade, and how so many people just want to leave an impression in the dust that's left behind. The pleasures in this world are building, but they're essentially limited in that you just can't take that sort of thing with you. Memories.

---------------------------------------------------------

It's Mothers Day
"What'd you do for yours today??" Now that we've all heard that a few times.... I pitched in together with Brad and gave her a potted plant of some variety that I honestly have never seen before. It grows reddish, caterpillar-looking things. Far out. I briefly considered getting up early this morning to do the "breakfast in bed" bit for her, but that thought faded when I found out how tired I really was. At least it was a fairly uneventful drive home last night after Jess' party... ((this time)).

Rev. VanHal had some good thoughts on the theme of Mothers.... taken from Proverbs 31, the thing that King Lemuel's mother taught him. Must've been some lady, because she sure had some great insights. Try verse 10 and following - "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil ((or as Rev. VanHal put it this morning, "booty" )). She will do him good and not evil in all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth food from afar." vs. 25 - 31 -> "Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.... Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.... Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised." (taken from the KJV). Wow.

Well, I'm out for the moment, so here's to sunshine and open fields.

b

2003-05-09T17:40:00.000-04:00

catching up

Storm - by Blyss (a.k.a. Lifehouse)
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you,
Everything would be alright
If my eyes could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
everything would be alright
If I see you
This darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

I know everything is alright
Everything's alright.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I came across this song not too long ago. Thought it was a really good example of what living the Christian life is like, especially in terms of the incident where Peter tried walking across the water to Jesus.

So I guess I haven't been too faithful in keeping this ejournal up, but I guess it's the busy time of year again in this area. Between the fieldwork at my job and how busy my parent's business is, I've got my hands full most of the time. Not to mention the schoolyear winding down and exams coming up in the next month. It still scares me sometimes how quickly highschool went now that I'm looking back at it. I still remember my first day of ninth grade - vividly. I only knew a few people, and not that well at all. But that first year turned out to be one of the better ones, at least looking back. They all have been good - I think it's just the way the entire school has changed so much in so many ways - especially in terms of attitude and physical location (to a more minor extent). It makes me feel really old sometimes when I see all the people younger than me starting into relationships - I think I'm starting to sound like an old bachelor here.

This Saturday night I'm off to a *surprise* birthday party for some friends from school - another few have turned 18. I always liked being head of the pack for reaching another mile marker like that, especially these last couple years when they're measured by things such as graduated licensing - G1, G2, and G -(driving addict I am). I wonder if I'll be as proud of reaching another year older before everyone else once I get passed what Western culture so quickly labels "the prime of life". Reminds me of a line from a song (country song at that) - "I remember when thirty was old/My biggest fear was September..". Funny thing is, the more life goes on, the less old thirty seems. Perspective is where it's at.

Next Wednesday my grade 12 class at Prov is off on our Senior Retreat - off to MacGregor Point for 3 nights and days of camping, hitting the beaches, and general hanging out. I can hardly wait, although I still have to wonder about how it's going to go, knowing our class's great reputation for naturally splitting into a few groups, generally based on gender (I swear the other guys in my class are scared of girls). I plan to enjoy myself, regardless. I haven't seen a beach since Labour Day.

This is my word for tonight. Keep your head up, and the goal in focus.

b

2003-04-14T17:38:00.000-04:00

thoughts scattered across the valley depths

Comfort Found
Today I was told a truth,
Something that spoke dearly to me.
It concerned the importance
Of something not always appreciated.

The question posed concerned love
Although not in the most popular way;
It asked for the name
Of a body part most valuable.

I was sure 'twas my heart,
That source of deepest love -
But I was mistaken in point,
This was not the poser's reference.

So I pondered the worth of mind,
Whether intellect and practicality here had a role;
Yet once again I missed,
And left cut off at the knees.

Could it be arms or feet -
The sources of strength and locomotion?
True love is farther than these
And their depths are not beyond mere appearance.

And in my blind confusion
That passed in the quiet minutes
As I waited this question's answer
A deeper thought surfaced.

It proved to be right,
As the answer concurred precisely;
The answer was not found in selfish ambitions,
But on the exterior of interior - the uncold shoulder.

For what great warmth is there
In a shoulder to turn to amidst troubles
Someone to hold onto,
To help weather the storm -

To guide and comfort throughout this life.

---

If love is a neverending story,
I don't think that I want mine to be some hit series,
I'd rather settle for the greater quality over quantity.
The hit movie, the one-and-only
The story of one guy, one girl,
And their neverending love for each other.

---

Self-Destruction
And the thing that scares me most
Is that I don't even know myself anymore
And even worse than that
Is not knowing you

This divide is like nothing I've ever felt before
I just want to know why it changed
Now I've got my suspicions, they're linked to black fears.
My life has been spent convincing myself we're just friends
And I'm not sure if it's that I miss, or more,
But when that was taken from me something broke;
There's times when the change I crave brings tears to my eyes.

I want to run faster than these legs can take me,
to the middle of nowhere
And in that big and open sky cry out for you,
Emotions rolling 'cross my face
Unleashed from that place deep beneath,
Past the control, bent on my own destruction
Those controls that belong to me.

And I want to scream out,
"Is it me or is it you?"
And hear you say the words that make it right.
Because I miss what was before;
Life's empty hallways are murk in the shadows,
And without brutal honesty I flounder.

Oh, how the tides can turn,
And the scariest thing in existence
Is a pessimistic fear.

A Heart Scarred
one of the things that scares me most
is the surrender of my heart
falling endlessly into another
into a chasm which may be filled with nought
or eternal love, undying emotion

how can one find a guarantee on forever
words only say so much, yet so much
and the world misreads all that is seen
It's the unknown that keeps me up
fear of the loss of all I've imagined to be
and the possibility of finally finding something real and right

so many times a heart can be hurt
whether by another or its own self-delusions
life can be a series of facades thought up
of lusting, longing, and desire.
so much better it could be
if that one true realization was recognized at last.

2003-03-31T17:36:00.000-05:00

Being Single

Alright, so I've read a pile of literature on the issue of being single and being a Christian single, and some important stuff to remember. If you're REALLY into that in any way, you could check this out, have a read and let me know what you think.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Christian Singleness
Today’s society often views singleness as a defect. Even church social events are almost always completely family-oriented, with little room for those not in the same stage of life. Parents will talk about the events going on in their own family life, and that can often be the extent of the conversation. Singles do not have the same daily experiences that married couples have, and therefore often feel out of place at church social events. Repeated occurrence of this can even lead to a lack of desire to attend church functions.
The Christian single must realize that this period of their life has been given to them by God, and can be filled with bringing glory to his name in a manner different than that of the family. God does not expect each and every person to get married, but He does place a time of singleness in most lives. Instead of filling that time with a longing for marriage, the time could be more beneficially spent serving God via such things as mission trips.
Being single should not be equated with discontentment. To be content as a single is to be content in the situation that God has placed us. In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul instructs the Christian to be content in all things, whatever the circumstances God has placed us in. In all things one must realize that true strength comes from Christ. The belief that marriage will bring contentment is a misconception. If a person is not content being single, marriage will not change that. They will continue to be discontented through their life until they become content with the situation that God has chosen to place them in.
The concept of marriage must be kept in perspective. The notion that completeness is found in marriage and not in singleness is a misconception. The only true completeness to be found in this life is in Jesus Christ. The apostle Paul believed that it would be beneficial for all people to be single, so that they could bring glory to God in a manner different than marriage. Without a family to care for, a single individual can do the Lord’s will without distraction. The point is that singleness is not a lower position than that of marriage.
Singleness is a gift that God has bestowed upon individuals. It should be viewed as an opportunity to please God. If a person spends the entire time that they are single simply longing not to be single, they are throwing away the opportunity that God has given them, and thereby disobeying God’s command to give glory to Him in all that we do. Contrary to popular belief, complaining is not a right, but rather a sin.
It is true that being single is not always easy. Seeing friends get married and start families at a time when the single is nowhere near that stage can bring on jealousy. Christian singles cannot allow their feelings to cause them to stray from God’s will. The Bible has set guidelines for how to live life as a single - the Bible is not directed only to those who are married or working towards that end. Accepting Biblical guidelines for singleness does not mean that one must permanently remain single. Singleness can be merely a stage of life for some, while others may choose to be single their entire lives.
In marriage, God blesses couples with children. Isaiah speaks of blessings greater than children that are available to the single person. In Isaiah chapter 56:4-7, the Lord promises that the single people who “hold fast My covenant” will be given a place and a name “better than that of sons and daughters.” God promises eternity in His presence to “everyone who keeps from defiling the Sabbath and holds fast My covenant.” This God, who “gathers the outcasts of Israel” and whose house is called “a house of prayer for all nations.” God does not limit his covenant to those who are married. He includes those people who have no one to claim as family then Christ. The family of God includes people of all types.
To be a Christian single often takes much strength. One must be patient, trusting in the Lord to bring about His plans in due time. Complaining about the situation that one has been put in is sinful, and will most definitely not better the situation in any way. The Christian must constantly remember that God alone is the source of aid, and therefore the One in who trust must be placed. This season of singleness has been given by God to help the Christian develop in various ways, and being content with where God has placed one is essential if this development is to occur. The Christian single must remember above all that their chief end is to give glory to God in all that they do, and that the ways in which this can be done while an adult Christian single are much different than at any other stage of life.

---------------------------------------------------

So that's that. Today I spent all day working on some major English independent study that I have to do for my Studies in Lit. class. Interesting. I'm working now on figuring out Shakespeare's worldview from Henry V. It's a good story, and it has some great political aspects to it.

So that's my speel for the night, have a goodnight.

- tk

- Don't know if you caught it, but I put up a few more poems on the site.
~ "Too Far Gone" by the All American Rejects <- great tune, I highly reccommend. I've been listening to it all day. Along with various other selected tunes ;)

2003-03-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

A Song and A Thought

(not by me)

Brick

6am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to the apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son, it's time to tell the truth
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

Driving home to her apartment
For a moment we're alone
Yeah she's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

---------------------------------------------

Yeah, I'm sorry that I haven't been writing in so long, my life has just been terribly unexciting lately.

So yesterday I talked to a good friend about love interests. It was a good conversation, probably not as long as I would've liked, but something of value, regardless. Funny how a few words from someone that you respect and whose opinion you value can affect your outlook. I value those talks.

- Brent

2003-02-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

Happy POETS Day

Have you ever caused more than 2 hours of work for someone by simply pressing the backspace button on your keyboard just once?
Well... let's just say there was a lack of entertainment in the computer lab one day, and a few of my friends thought it would be slightly humorous to take the letter "i" out of the title "PRC_domain" on the login screen of a few of the computers. Nothing serious at all, just something you don't really notice, and the computer won't let you login until you've put the "i" back in place. Turns out one of our teachers who is obsessed with the computer lab spent a couple of hours trying to figure out the problem. He and the principal were less than happy with the certain individuals responsible. The things that some people get kicks out of, eh?

Anyways, on to more normal events... wait, it's the beginning of the weekend! I'm having problems being overly enthused about my classes lately, except for some interesting conversations we've been having in my Family Studies class in regards to dating, courtship, and a biblical approach to those two. A week or two ago we were talking about how to take the issue of singleness as a Christian (if anyone is interested in an 850-word paper I wrote on that, just give me a shout). I've gotten a chance to think about a lot of topics related to those, and I'd have to say they've given me a lot of food for thought in regards to relationships that I have/have had/hope to have. Mr. Vandoodewaard definitely has brought up some good points that have been thought-provoking for myself, if not some other people in that class.

Anyways, I'm a little short on time and need to get going, so here's to tonight!

- b

-------------------------------------------------

So I've given in to the request for recognition yet again... lynze asked for a shout out, so hey to lynze, she's a cool friend of mine from London. She's always fun to talk to, and loves beaches and her cat, who, weirdly enough, snores. Very much so. Anyways, have a good one, watch out for snoring cats, be good.

2003-02-23T17:31:00.000-05:00

chillin' and spinnin'

Well, we haven't had church cancelled due to excessive snow in quite a while. I think I was in Florida the last time that happened. The family decided I was the lucky one who was assigned the task of cleaning out the driveway this morning.... too cold, I tell you, too cold. It took a while to thaw out.

Have you ever heard the song November Rain by Guns N' Roses? Its about a guy looking back at the day he was married. It was a cold, very rainy day in November. As they were leaving the church, his wife slipped on the wet stairs and falls to the ground. In the midst of this fall, her throat is cut by a piece of broken glass. This guy is down on his knees holding her while she dies, and his tears mingle with the rain falling all around.

That song conjures some of the strongest images I've ever gotten from any book, song, movie, or whatever. I don't know why, but when I picture it, it's as large as life in my mind. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom of the page if you're interested.

This morning, since church was cancelled, my parents listened to the tape I made of Rev. Pennings speech from Feb. 7, the Friday night portion of this year's Woodstock URC Youth Conference. Had to laugh when I heard the roll call on the tape from that night... noise contests can be fun if done well. I'd already heard the speech a few times, so I took my younger brother Greg up on the offer of a game of Risk. He bought the Lord of the Rings edition, so things were a little interesting - that game is tough if you don't know the map at all. He lost, though. The dark army took the day today.

As I work on finishing up this entry, a friend of mine asked for mention. So I shall mention Sacha, who brings to mind the song Red by Treblecharger now that I start thinking. Good tune, good friend.

Hard rocks and crazy shocks,

be good.

Brent -

----------------------
sorry, i couldn't find a good link to those lyrics. ask around, they're to be found at some source somewhere.

2003-02-17T17:29:00.000-05:00

randomized

Dishwalla - Every Little Thing
Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

----------------------------------------------

That would be a song I came across a good while ago. Let's just say it provoked a few thoughts.

-----------------------------------------------

Today it was back to the grind, no special part of the week like Hump Day or POETS Day or even post-Hump/pre-POETS Day or anything. I'd have to say that every single student at school (ok, the majority anyways) was tired from this past weekend. I filled mine by doing some homework on Friday night, and then doing chores and feeding at Witview this Saturday and Sunday morning. Saturday night was a pretty good time - I went rollerblading at the Forum, and contrary to some myths that are floating around, the pressure wasn't as bad as it might seem. ;) . Sunday I went out to Aylmer URC and caught a couple of good sermons from Rev. Korvemaker, as well as lunch at the Hotke residence. ((NOTE: I reccommend not picking up any small canines you may find in that household. It may be dangerous to your fingers)). Was a fairly decent weekend regardless, and I got to log a bit of open road driving. Never complain at that.

that's all for now, catch ya later

b

----------------------------------------------

night comes knocking again
calling me in this dark and somber mood
dark fingers beckoning for play
stretched and taut across the reins here at hand

somewhere in between the black and the white
lies a little place that I like to call my mind
my thoughts are too close when I lie at home in bed
but somehow this clear night just opens up my mind

2003-02-09T17:28:00.000-05:00

Post-Conference Syndrome

Well, that's the end of that. All of our long hours (and 15 minute YP board meetings) paid off, and the third annual Woodstock URC Youth Conference was a fair success. Rev. Eric Pennings from the Hope Center (a Toronto missions that ministers to the large Sikh community in TO) was the speaker this year, and he preached on James 1:1-8. I managed to catch a bit of each sermon, but I had to miss some of Friday nights because I was organizing billeting, and some of Saturday's because I was organizing discussion groups and getting tables for the room we had lunch in. I managed to record Friday night's seminar, though, so sometime I'll listen to that and catch up on what I missed.

As to activities... I was hoping to participate in some great gym time at the Y on Saturday with everyone else, but a certain vehicle of mine (a.k.a. the Topaz) decided that this weekend was a good time to break down. I believe it's either the alternator or the starter, but either way, it's not running now. Occupied a great deal of my time regardless, so I missed out on Saturday afternoon at the gym. And then missed out on swimming because I moved my stuff into Brad's car when they towed my car home, and Brad took off so I couldn't get my shorts to go swimming. lovely. Worked out anyways, I sat on the bleachers at the pool and had a couple of good conversations with Sarah Vanderdeen and Andrea Veldman.

On another note, today would be the day that I turned 18. Can legally do a few more things I guess. Tonight there's supposed to be a bunch of my friends coming over to hang out - definitely something to look forward to. It's worked out to be a pretty good weekend.

hard knocks and bobbysox, merry christmas and gd'day!

b

2003-01-31T17:25:00.000-05:00

Some thoughts

Muzak

No, no, not that creepy psycho elevator music that they played in the thirties and so on, but just the topic in general. I sorted through all the mp3's I have on my computer the other day, and came across some old stuff I had d/l a long long time ago. Ever hear of anything by a guy called My Friend Steve? Got a really good song called All In All. There's a group called Atheneum that was a bit of a one hit wonder a few years ago... they released a song called What I Didn't Know which did half-decent on the charts for a while. They're both worth checking out.

Gotta Love Study Hall, eh?!

Ah, yes, the boys of the twelfth grade at PRC all happen to have a spare during the last period of the day. All 5 of us. Combine that with a brand new school building that we've been in for less than a month, and lots of mischief and mayhem is bound to occur. Let's just say so far we've enjoyed the lax rule of teachers while they're busy working and we're busy casually working through a bit of homework and doing other crazy stuff. Like finding out it IS possible to get into the ceiling from the guy's washroom. Loving those metal I-beams, eh nick? And that flat roof on the school is always convenient, too. Hopefully PRC will be a little more interesting in the spring and early summer when there's actually supposed to be some grass on that big field out back there.

Happy POETS day, best of wishes,

b

2003-01-29T17:24:00.000-05:00

Semester 2 in Full Force

Back to the Grind

So now begins the heavy workload. Mr. V started a little more into advanced functions today, so I'm going to have to work hard to keep ahead in that class. 'twill be interesting. I'm starting to get interested in my Family Studies course - there's a really.... let's say interesting... book entitled "Her Hand In Courtship". The opening chapter is doing a really good job of mocking the dating system that much of North America adheres to. Don't know the personal stance that will be presented exactly, but it's looking like a good read.

catch ya later,

brent

2003-01-27T17:21:00.000-05:00

Of School, Work, and Laya

Well, all those exams and ISU's from my second-last semester of highschool are done. One more semester to go - filled with the continuing Bible 12, Advanced Functions and Introductory Calculus, Individuals & Families in A Diverse Society, Studies in English Literature, and.............. SPARE! Yes, I finally managed to score my first and only study hall in highschool. Which will, of course, be spent alongside Nick Faber for most of the time. Talk about entertainment, eh? Should be an interesting semester.

I spent the majority of today working in my parents business (a.k.a. Miedema's Meat Market, yes a butcher shop). It's not that bad of work, but it's always a bit of an encouragement to get an education and get into something else. I've done that for too many years already (7 years working regularly, and 2 working occassionaly). I know too much about that business already, and I'd like to get into something that holds more of my interest.

I spent the last few minutes while I was writing this talking to a good friend of mine, who requested that I write something about her for my website. So I'll give a bit of a sketch of who she is for the time being. This girl's name is Laya, and she's a really great person to talk to and hang with, and she always keep things interesting, whether it's by being on pictures pretending to pick noses, or being a matchmaker. She goes out with a great guy named Josh, who is working his way towards becoming a teacher. Josh is also a lot of fun to hang out with, and is completely infatuated with "the better half". Josh drives a white Honda, but sadly, it's performance is on par with my set of wheels (yes, that bad). I think it has something to do with street racing in a place called Woodstock (note: Josh is from the great metropolis of Woodstock) and backing into large concrete poles. Could be the damage from loud sound systems too. ah well.

good evening, good night, cya later.

bgm

2003-01-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

Fully Licensed

So I was sitting downstairs in front of my computer, and my sister comes running downstairs to tell me that I have to go upstairs and check my mail. Getting really nervous that it might be something in regards to my university applications, I took my time going there. However, it turned out to just be my G driving license finally arriving. On the topic of life after highschool, though, I get really nervous when I start thinking about it. I applied to some places, but maybe it's just me but I worry about whether I'll get accepted or not. It's kind of crazy, waiting to find out where you're going to be in less than a years time. Any thoughts on it?

b

2003-01-19T17:09:00.000-05:00

It's a COLD One Out There!

Whoever said being Canadian means sacrificing limbs so that you can play hockey outside?? I don't know who, but it sure got awfully close tonight. I was out at the Markus' playing hockey on their rink, well, at least until I was sure my toes and fingers were ice. The 3 on 3 lasted for about 45 minutes. Then we decided to catch the last few minutes of Gone in 60 seconds before eating Mrs. Markus out of house and home. Good times, though... We packed a huge pile of people into their basement. One question though - I wonder how often that carpet gets cleaned? I hope after every time they invite the rest of woodstock YPs down...

good evening,

brent

2003-01-17T04:00:00.000-05:00

The "E" Word

We've all had to put up with at one time or another. Or will end up facing it sometime. Exams. Talk about venting, but all the frustration is insane. I know I can't wait till they're over. ahhhhhhhh well. I spent today in a state between studying and playing Lord of the Realm 2 (how ancient! It's addictive) and talking to some friends online. Tomorrow should be a little more interesting, what with going to work and all. I'm told it's going to be cold.... time to dig out the insulated coveralls. Now I sound like a hick...

g'night.

b

2002-12-12T04:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas all.

Well, this would be my first attempt at an online journal. Let me know what you think.

Today was pretty laid back, which is good in some ways. Listened to a sermon from Rev. Van Hal concerning a personal relationship to Christ, especially in regards to His birth. I didn't really talk to anyone in particular after that, and went home to go do the whole family christmas dinner thing with my family. Played a great game of Risk with my siblings - isn't too often that we all sit down together to do much anymore.

There's a few YPs conferences coming up this next week that I'm looking forward to. There's a lot of people I know that might be attending that I haven't seen in a while. Should be some good times.

later,

bgm